turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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