My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
