Pappa wants mamma naked
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
