I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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