A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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