Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
We got so high we made milksteak
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
