dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
