you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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