she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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