I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
