What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize