You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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