We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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