I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
