try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
