I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
