But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
