I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
