I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
