I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Mom said you looked used
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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