Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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