I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
