I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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