Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
