I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
The uberlube is also flammable
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize
