her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
