they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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