Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
