Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
