My room smells like vodka and shame
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
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