and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
