it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
