I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
