I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
