She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
