Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
