how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
