You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
