I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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