so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
i think i just lost a toe
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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