She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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