Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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