If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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