Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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