I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
