@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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