Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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