I bet he comes in French.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
