evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
