I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
