My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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