Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
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