dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Randomize
