I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
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