my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I have grass duct taped all over my body
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
