When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
