His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I love you. Go after that dick
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Randomize
