I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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