OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize