So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
