There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
