I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
