she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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